My Story - Gabe

My Story - Gabe 

1.3.18

The day things changed. That morning I woke up in a bed that wasn’t mine, in a room that was unfamiliar. The night before I couldn’t sleep, my head was spinning and thinking of every little thing that got me in here. Cedar Creek psychiatric hospital, St. John’s Michigan. Then I remembered.

The night before I was with all my friends playing video games like we always do, when everyone left and I was on the way home with Kenny everything changed. I started having thoughts that were scary, I felt like I was losing control of my brain and body. “You’re not good enough, do better, no one loves you, she don’t love you, you’re all alone” I began to believe what those demons were saying to me. I started to think of every little thing I’ve ever done wrong and started to tell myself I’m worthless.

When I got home I didn’t say a word to my mom, I went straight upstairs and got on my knees and begged God to help me. Tears running down my face, sobbing on my bed. I look over and see my dog lying on my bed, I say “mammas you’re all I got”. On that ride home I had made my mind up that tonight would be my last night... ever. For about a month I told myself I didn’t want to be here but tonight felt different, like I was actually serious. I began writing a note stating why I did what I was going to do and little side notes to every person in my life I was close to. Starting with my family, then to my friends and then to you.

I concluded it with “I wish I would’ve stopped telling myself I was alone”. Now it was time, I grab a plain white T-shirt and wrap it around the hook on my ceiling, and then around my neck. It was roughly 2:30 in the morning when I just let go and let all my weight onto the wrap around my neck. I thought when I let go I was letting go of all the pain, all the suffer, all the demons were finally going to go away.

I begin to choke and cough, 45 seconds later I can feel myself losing consciousness. My vision began to go white and I could feel my heart beating slower and slower. I don’t remember much after but when I regained consciousness, my body was leaned against the wall, if it wasn’t for that wall being there I wouldn’t be alive today. I panicked, unwrapped the shirt from my neck and went down stairs into my moms bed.

I sat there and tried to process what in the world I just tried doing. I was scared. The next morning I texted my mom that I didn’t feel safe alone and that I needed to pursue some help. 25 minutes later I was in the emergency room answering hundreds of questions about my attempted suicide, the nurses and doctors made me feel stupid for doing what I did. Everything was happening so fast, it felt like my brain was running a marathon.

About an hour later a doctor comes in and tells me I was going to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital to get help. I agreed to check in because help was what I needed. That night they drive me to St. John’s in a ambulance and that’s where the story begins. I get there and fill out what had to be 100 pages of paper work, I had to perform skin checks and check my vitals, they went over the rules and then finally gave me a tour of the facility.

After all this was done they show me to my room... I get into bed and just cried. I hadn’t been away from home 24 hours but I missed everything about my life. The one prior to my stay I hated so much. For a week I was in this hospital where we woke up at 6:30 and had therapy sessions every hour on the hour until about 8:30. In between there was breakfast, lunch and dinner. To make things short, I enjoyed being here. When I got here I thought I was going to hate it and not gain anything from being here. It really helped me love myself and my life again.

The thoughts of wanting to die went away and I started to become the person I once was, the version of myself where I was actually happy. Im a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason, good or bad. This experience showed me that life is very precious and that we shouldn’t take it for granted. It showed me that there are people who care about you. This is a message to anyone going through what I once was going through. You’re not alone, don’t let the demons tell you that you are. You have me. Get help if needed, don’t be ashamed to talk about your feelings. If you hold them in like I did, you do things you’ll regret.

Love life and love yourself. Sometimes it may seem like suicide is the only option but it isn’t. No matter what you’re going through, small or big, life goes on, everyday is a new day to change the way you’re living.